cricketpoor (cricketpoor) wrote,
cricketpoor
cricketpoor

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the fucking mess that is me

I well if I was suicadal today it would have ended.... I went to work in the morning no worries, work was pretty normal but well we had technical fuck ups all day. Then I went home and found out that the money I was going to buy an ipod for FINALLY is to be used to pay bills and shite, then there was a fuck up with one of the horses we are selling so I am the only one with any money and it all goes to everyone else. then the waterpump broke, meaning that it is an aditional 1000 us dollars I have to digg up and we have no water or anything so I can't even take a fucking hot shower all in all I need to find a way to digg up 15000 us dollars and I can't I just fucking can't. I have been ading my cents to the house hold up to now, just wanting is to work, I love it here but this schiesse os just to much and I can't even fucking cry, I so misserable and I can't even fucking cry or do anything to make it feel better on top of that I'm getting a cold and my head have been pounding for the whole day and I can't even find money enough to pay for some pain killers... I hate being poor and I hate that I can't use the money I earned that was supossed to be mine, to enjoy it was supposed to be play money I looked forward to get jeans in my size and an ipod and a new book or five but I can't and I look like hell and can't even cut my hair cause I can't afford it I have no real joy in my self left, I can't even fuck around with nail polish cause we are out of remover and I can't afford to buy more and the worst part is that I know that is I could just cry it would be better but I can't and for mums sake I can't she can't take much more and I'm at my wits end and my brother is going to buy a second car and he has yet to get his licens. I can't afford to get mine.... I even hate myself for writing this I have no fucking right to take it all out on you and my friends well there is to many issues or to little maturity I feel like I'm just waiting to hit the ground I want to sleep but I can't do that either for my head and I have to get up for work tomorrow... maybe a couple of sedative pills would work, but we have none no licour either what the hell did I do when I can't get a fucking break? am I that bad, am I so wrong? I just don't know how long I can take this.... I just want it to fucking quit, let me have a short while when I get something I want something to give me my spark back it is to bad I would fucking miss this shiesse so I can't just end it, but god I wish I could, it isn't just the money it is the situation with my father the fact that I am the memory and voice of reason to most of my friends and that everyone tell me their shite and never let me return the favour. I allways solwe their problems and the one great friend I could have cuddled up with and cried my eyes out one of the few people I trust that much she have moved to another part of the country and I can't bring myself to take it over MSN so here I am alone, lonely emotionally and mentally a wreck and hurting on every level not knowing what to do Tokio hotels music have kept me able to fake it, put that hurts to, that noone sees it, not even those who knows me best....

What the fuck should I do?

Tags: depressed thoughts suicidal themes
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